The Top 5 Reasons You Shouldn’t Go To Australia

Many people see Australia as a world class travel destination. It’s pretty hyped up, it has a huge backpacking scene and well, you’ve probably seen pictures. A lot of people will even tell you it’s a must-see place and should probably be on your bucket list. But enough of that, let’s have a look at the top 5 reasons why you SHOULDN’T head Down Under.

5. Everything is trying to kill you

This one is common knowledge. 7 of the top 10 deadliest snakes in the world can be found in Australia. What about the spiders? Between red backs and huntsmen there’s a pretty good chance of one of them finding you and wrapping you up nicely in their web. If you even think about going near the water you’re probably going to be eaten by a great white, if you don’t you’ll at least lose a limb. Australia being a great surfing destination is actually a trick to get tourists into the water. So that accounts for sharks, spiders and snakes, but what about big salties? If you opt out of going into the ocean and head for inland water you’re chancing an encounter with a croc, and if you head up to Darwin you’ll definitely find yourself eye to eye with a saltwater croc on the beach. And lets not discount jellyfish, box jellyfish are everywhere, they’re so dangerous that there are actually warnings to keep you out of the water completely, so don’t even think about going in. There aren’t any designated swimming areas or anything either so don’t look for them.

Now we all know that these creatures are all dangerous, but what about fluffy kangaroos? They don’t tell you that a redback male is built of pure muscle with testosterone levels so high that all they want to do is kick  you. And if they do you’re probably going to die from that wound. Or drop bears. They’re sneaky and rarely seen, but that’s because the survival rate of people that encounter drop bears is so ridiculously low.

4. It’s so hot that you can’t go outside in the day, even during winter

You’ve heard about how hot Australia is, its one of the selling points. Apart from the fact that the entire country has melanoma (and you will too when you get there) the chances of surviving daytime heat is, well, 0. If you know anything about biology you know that at a certain temperature our bodies begin to break down and we keel over and die. Well, the sun in Australia is a catalyst for that and will just speed up the process. If you don’t believe me, just look at the cover image; it’s so hot that even the sky appears to be on fire! Don’t even think you’ll manage to find snow here, not even the mountains get snow.

That means you have to cool off in the ocean, or take cover beneath some trees. But oh wait, sharks, snakes, spiders, dropbears etc. See what I’m saying?

3. You can’t even afford to buy a beer

If you were thinking about just staying indoors and helping yourself to a nice cold bevvy, well think again. In Australia the average beer will set you back $130. It doesn’t matter what you drink. VB, Carlton Draught, XXXX, whatever, it’s all ridiculous. Plus you can’t handle the alcohol content of it anyway. Australians have evolved super livers so that their bodies can handle the alcohol content. Even if you have German AND Irish heritage combined you probably still shouldn’t take a chance. After all, the last thing you want is to survive the alcohol content, get a bit tipsy, walk outside and realise its too hot then try to cool off in the water, or under a tree etc. You know. See above.

2. The people are horrid and unfriendly, and the natives can’t even speak English

Bogans are known for taking shrimps off the barbie in favour of a juicy tourist. Aussies really don’t want to speak to you. If you get lost, they’ll send you in the wrong direction; probably towards either water, or trees. They’re really ignorant, and probably the least friendly people in the world. If  you approach one without being cautious you’re likely to get chased off while getting slapped around the face by one of their thongs. Which is another thing. Aussie slang; you can’t understand it, so you’re just wasting your time speaking to an Aussie. Long story short, they’re feral. And well, aboriginals are just as bad. If you get too close expect to be speared. Nek minit, we’re at #1.

1. Gravity works backwards in Australia

You have two options here. First is far more practical, the spikes on the bottoms of your boots will help you stay on the ground, failing that you’re going to be taking rope everywhere. The thing is, because Australia is on the bottom side of the world, gravity works in the opposite direction. That means that the only way to avoid floating off to a sun burnt death (see the second point) is to get yourself anchored to the ground. If you don’t believe me you should check out some Australian planes. They actually have the wheels on top of the plane because they have to barrel roll and land in an awkward position.

This is also part of the reason why drop bears are so dangerous. You would expect a drop bear to fall to the ground, but you can’t actually predict which way they’ll drop. Some of them have evolved to make rope from eucalyptus shoots which they use to ground themselves before dropping up into the air to catch and devour you. They’re crafty buggers!

And with that, you know exactly why you need to avoid this hellish country. Australia is bad. Stay away. If you’re man enough to brave the dangers, you can always look at what you’ll be rewarded with when you arrive.